cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize