I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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