Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
