I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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