Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
We had sex on a dog bed..
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
