Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You were trust falling into bushes
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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