We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
