I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
