one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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