drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Boobs speak an international language.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
