Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
