capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
