I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
