i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
