I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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