I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Randomize
