I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
