im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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