I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
