hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
