Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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