At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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