I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
She's not a foreskin expert like you
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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