i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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