i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
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