Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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