Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
