That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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