I would go down on you faster than GM stock
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
