She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
The ass gains better be worth it
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
