The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Randomize
