I wanna bring you to show and tell
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
