He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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