I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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