are you so shy because you have an std?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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