guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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