Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
