how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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