Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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