If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize