My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
