Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
