Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
