you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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