Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
