cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
