I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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