planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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