Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
