good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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