He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
