dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
