WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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