Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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