dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
