Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
