I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize