Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
