had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
