you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
